Our New Zeland 2009 celebration

I dont like being single!!

Okay, so I don't like to be single. It's not been my preferred status at any time. In high school we used to discuss who would get married first and who would be last. I voted to not be last. But, in life, we all face challenges. Some are severe and test every part of our being.We don't always know why we experience the challenges that we do but, we do know that we learn things from the trials that perhaps we could not have learned in any other way. I know that the Lord knows my deepest longings. I know that He knows of my heartache and grief and pain and ..... work and efforts. I know that He is aware of my needs and those of my child. I know that He allows us life experiences for our own learning and growth -- even when they are painful or uncomfortable. If we were to take away all pain and suffering we would also eliminate growth and stretching and strengthening. My Mr. Wonderful will love me as I will love him. If the longings of my heart were enough -- that would have already happened. But, the Lord has a greater plan and my quest is to be faithful and true in all things so that I may be worthy of future blessings. It is not always easy and often times very lonely. But, those emotions are carving out a greater space in my heart to love and be loved. When I remember that I am at peace and know that 'all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord'.

Britneys Halloween Party

Britney and Nurse Ophelia Payne
Jungle Juice
Nurse Ophelia Payne and her medicine
Pussy Cat, Docter and who else its Britney Bitch!
Sexy Witch and Darth

Brady injured

Arabian, Elvis and Nurse Ophelia

Reno 911 Jeff and Nurse Payne

Hot Biker Chick being grooped by the Witch

Realization

Ever felt like you give and give and don't have no more to give. I have been trying, strike that tried now for years to make things work. I was an adult, but now I'm grown, does that make sense? Time has made me grow into what I am now. I have changed my ways to be a better person, I take care of my responsibilities because I am the adult, I am the parent in my home. I am the only parent who takes responsibility for myself, my beautiful child, my job, my bills, my life!! But..... I want more. I want someone to share the little moments with, I want someone I can laugh with, someone I can cry with. I want someone whom I can depend on and someone who can depend on me. Its hard being the only parent all the time. I feel like sometimes I'm not giving my all, but I feel this is because not only am I a full time mother of a almost 4 yr child but I'm a full time working mother and a part-time student. Does life get easier?? What does Sophia deserve?? Someone she can take care of? Someone who can take care of her? or both. I deserve someone who is going to appreciate me for what I am NOW, not for what happened when I was younger or what they think happened. I am a responsible, smart women who deserves to be treated that way. Yea I have my blond moments but who doesn't? So OK, make fun, I can bull shit too. But what does it take for the other person? What does it take for them to realize how good of a women you are or how they too should carry the same responsibilities. So what you didn't grow up the way I did. So what you weren't handed the things I got in life. That was when we were children, we are adults now! No one tells you when to eat, shit, sleep or where to lay. You are your own person, you are your own adult. So why is it so hard to realize that you can be different? You can change the cycle, you don't have to follow a dead end path. How is doing nothing showing your children that they can be their best and they can be anything they put their minds to if you don't. I try to compromise but there is no compromise. So, we must live our lives just that way. You have your life in your own world and I live my life the same. There are no moments in between, just small gestures and short visits that change the emotion for a short period of time. Then in your absence, my life returns to what it was, one less person who I thought would change my life. But you have missed something, you have changed my life. You have made me a stronger women, a smarter women, a stronger parent, an independent women and that is just what my daughter will grow up to be. Unfortunately, she will experience some of the same experiences, but she will learn and grow from them just as I have. And, she will move on to improve this thing called life. Experiences will be the realization that she makes her life what she wants.